Oktoberfest: Beers, Boobs, and Blackouts

Posted on October 14, 2010



Suuuuuuper Hupen!!!


Last week I attended Oktoberfest here in Munich, and it was pretty f***ing sick (Sorry for the stars, but  BJC doesn’t let me use the F word on cised). I am not gonna go into detail describing the scene, because it is exactly like the smaller beerfest I went to a couple weeks ago which I wrote a post about that I’m sure no one read, only about 30 times bigger. It was one of the more memorable party experiences of my life that I unfortunately do not remember as much as I’d like to, although I can recall a few of the events that took place that I will talk about in this post.

My German friends and a couple Canadians and I got there at 11am after pre-gaming on the half hour train ride into Munich with 6% alcohol beers and egg mcmuffins. In the first hour in the tent, I saw some dude stand up on his table and hold his giant 32 oz beer mug full of beer with his teeth only and chug it in about 3 seconds. People were so amused by this that they continued buying him beers, and before noon he had downed 5 liters of Hacker Pschorr. That is 160 ounces of 6% beer in an hour. I do not possess the same math skills as Cised contributor C-murda (an accountant at a DC law firm… allegedly) does but my calculations tell me that this guy drank the equivalent of about 13 Bud Heavies that are 50% more strong than they are in the U.S. in less than an hour. If I hadn’t spent a Sunday morning watching NFL Countdown with C-Murda, then I would tell you this was the only time i’ve witnessed this much alcohol consumption in such a short time.  (Sorry I’m whoring you in this post so far Murda, but don’t act like you’re not proud to still be the thirstiest motherf***er I’ve ever met!)


Where's the Shake-Weight?


An explanation of the picture above…We started playing the game “Memory” where one person does something, like picks his nose, then the next has to pick his nose and add a new action.  It keeps going till someone screws up.  Well this older couple wanted to play with us, so we decided to see how much they were willing to do, and one of the actions was standing up on the table, and air jerking it, then opening up your hand like you blew a load.  She was cised to play the game, but even more cised when it got perverted.  How money is this action shot with her hand blurred from getting her forearm going so fast….this clearly wasn’t her first rodeo.   Anyway, after blacking out for about an hour somewhere in the 1pm-2pm time frame I entered a brown state where I was able to remember bits and pieces of my afternoon at the most famous beer drinking event in the world. The German’s got a kick out of telling me inappropriate slurs to chant at the waitresses who brought us our beers and I felt like Eddie Murphy in Delirious when I chanted “Suuuuuper Hupen” (nice tits) every time Gertrude brought us the next round. I didn’t really care what anything they told me to say meant….I was happy as long as I was making the boys laugh, and wasn’t getting kicked out or starting a fight.

Later on, I went outside the tent to meet some friends and go on a rollercoaster……why wouldn’t I wanna go on a rollercoaster when I was shit faced? But when I tried to get back into my tent, I couldn’t because it was too packed and they weren’t letting anyone else in. So I started talking to a German girl who also wanted to get in, and convinced her to try to flirt with one of the security guards and try to get both of us in. As I realized the security guard would probably assume we were a couple, and therefore not think he had any chance in getting anything in return from the girl, I told her to tell him I was her gay friend so I would not appear to be a threat in anyway. Sure enough the plan worked, and the security guard walked us around to a back entrance. When we got in, he wouldn’t let us alone, and I thought about taking off on my own and trying to lose him, but felt bad doing that to a girl who had helped me get back in to the tent. But no, this guy wasn’t waiting for any action from the girl, he was a full-fledged homo waiting for a chance to stick his hands down my lederhosen, which he attempted to do, and after grabbing my ass with the same desperation BJC grabs loose change from the sidewalk, I knew I was in danger of being violated, and I took off into the crowd and made my way back to my table. Close one.

Out of the 12 of us that came together, 4 or 5 passed out on our table, or on the floor next to our table, and 3 got kicked out.  One for picking a group of strangers’ 16 person table up and slamming it down spilling everyone’s beers, one for unscrewing light bulbs from the lamps  hanging from the tents and slamming them on the ground or putting them in people’s beers, and nobody really knows what happened to the other guy, but we all laughed when 3 security guards carried him out.  I made it 11 hours without getting kicked out or passing out,  and was pretty happy with my performance. I did pass out on the train home, and my friends were nice enough to tuck a train ticket to Salzburg, Austria in the front pocket of my goofy/money overall-style Lederhosen, and would have let me wake up in a different country had a nice man on the train not woken me up when we arrived back in town.  Not sure he would’ve been so nice if he knew I was half a Jew, but  it was definitely a great f-ing time.

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