Weekend Messages

Posted on November 1, 2010

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A few messages I’d like to send out after the weekend.

Mike Shanahan –   Did you save Jim Zorn’s game plan from our last meeting with the 0 and 20-something at the time Lions?  I mean it was a great call tossing Rexy in there for

"Great Job there Shanny!"

the two-minute drill, he’s kind of like our secret weapon right?  Actually no Shanny, he’s a plug, and if I was wee-man Snyder I’d order Albert Haynesworth to sit on your face for the entirety of the bye week as punishment for the worst coaching decision I have seen made on a Sunday since every Sunday last season watching the Skins.

Donovan McNabb – Shanny should have taken you out earlier in the game.  You throw more dirtballs than C-Murda brings home from Front Page.  Start playing like the man you were when you told my sister you were gonna “do” her at Harry’s in Syracuse graduation weekend years back.  If you could run our offense the way you ran that bar at the Cuse we’d probably be 6-2 right now.  Get your shit together.

Randy Moss – Stop F-ing my Fantasy squad, especially a week after I didn’t trade you like I should have.  Also,  I don’t know what the f you were thinking in this post-game press conference, but I dig that you were repping the Hoya’s tee.  Somewhere in Turkey Alan Iverson is raising his bottle of Heineken to you.  (Check out Randy’s oral diarrhea right here.)

John Wall – I haven’t followed the NBA since 6th grade when I used to dominate the court at CCES in my Alonzo Mourning Jersey and Penny Hardaway shoes.  But you are making me a Wizards fan, and I am gonna watch you this year.  You are the real deal.  Unfortunately your team is not, so I will be betting against the Wiz on almost every occasion.

Jon Stewart – What is this thing you did in D.C. this weekend that all my East Coast liberal friends were losing their shit for and all my Midwestern and Southern Conservative friends were hate-status-ing about on facebook?  Are you gonna be our

touche

President someday?  I’d probably vote for you.  You’d be the second biggest beauty to occupy the White House (George W’s coke habit and alcoholism give him the nod) but you would legalize the shit out of Marijuana, and I’d consider bumping you up to #1 after that.

Girls – Keep the slutty halloween pics coming on facebook.  Remember when you used to have to wait till like Wednesday after Halloween for people to upload their pictures from the weekend?  Thank god for mobile uploads.

Mizzou – You can beat the #1 team in the country but can’t cover 8 pts?  Send me the 10 Hamiltons you lost me so I can throw it back down on Houston +5.5 tonight.  Not an official pick, but I am starting to bet against what I think is gonna happen in the NFL, which in this case is the Colts to win at home.  So get it done Texans!

Major League Baseball – I struggle to give a shit about you.  The only way I watch a game is if I bet on it, and even then I usually change the channel.  I would like to see the

I'd be this guy's Stevie Janowski!

Rangers come back from 3-1 and win if only to see the real life Kenny Powers (Josh Hamilton) relapse and start ripping lines off naked whores down in Arlington.  But that’s not happening.  That little pothead dweeb Lincecum is probably gonna end it tonight.

Thats all I got for now

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