Weekend Messages 11/10

Posted on November 8, 2010

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The weekend after Halloween is always a let down.  I’ve already eaten all the Twix and Snickers bars in my bag and am left with candy corn and crushed rolls of Smarties.  To make things even worse, the Skins were on bye this week.  Still, here are a few messages I’m sending out in response to events that happened over the weekend:

Guy on Left - "Me gusta Skoal" Guy on Right - "Me Gusta Redman!"

Chilean Miner -Edison Pena – Congrats buddy.  You finished the NYC Marathon in 5 hrs 40 mins.  Thats a whopping 13 minute mile pace.  How the hell does it take you that long to run a mile? Is that even running?  Did you stop at Off Track Betting for a couple hours to get some action on the Breeder’s Cup?  If so you would have ran into my 96 yr old Grandmother (degenerate gambler).  Then you would have seen her 4’10” frame pull away from you down 5th ave. while you embarrass yourself and your country by making a mockery of a respected race.  Please watch this footage of Pena holding up traffic.

Before......

After. Definitely a reverse Michael Jackson situation going on here

Everyone who thinks Mike Shanahan’s Decision to Bench McNabb was Racially Motivated – Shut the F up.  If I needed to defend Shanahan on this issue, which I don’t, I would tell you that he hand picked Donovan McNabb over a slew of whiteys  that could have been behind center for the Skins this year.  Also, is it even possible to be a racist NFL coach when 80% of your players are black? Like who are you gonna play – the black guy or the…black guy.  Actually thinking about it, the excessive spray tanning Shanny endures makes him borderline guilty of Blackface, so no verdict yet on Shanny being a racist.

Peyton Hillis – Of the aforementioned 20% of the NFL that are white, you are one of the few who is not a kicker, punter, or quarterback. And you are a beast.  After destroying the best team in the NFL yesterday running for 184 and 2 td’s, I can easily say you are the best cracker half back since John Riggins, unless you count Tim Riggins, who is fictional, but a legend nonetheless.

"I make him an offer he don' refuse"

The Dallas Cowboys – Lets be honest, your season was over even before that queer Tony Romo went down a couple weeks ago.  But since that butt plug has been removed from your ass, all the shit has come out creating the biggest mess in the NFL.  You guys are going down just like Wade Phillips’ droopy, flabby cheeks.  His face has more loose skin than Octomom’s vagina, and underneath that skin is a big frown that says, “I’m about to lose my f-ing job.”  Good luck being better than 2 score underdogs the rest of the way, and have fun hosting the Super Bowl as the worst team in the NFL Jerry Jones you prick.

Lindsay Lohan – Whore.

Cam Newton – We know you got paid.  I don’t give a shit, and I don’t think anyone else does.  And I like how you were smart enough not to buy your mom a house or a Range Rover or something silly like that which would give everything away.  But I guarantee you bought all your boys blue tooths and are sitting in your apt. off campus getting brain from a southern bell, throwing 4 td’s as yourself against Alabama in NCAA Football ’11 for X-Box while talking to your friends about how many hoes you had to “Heisman” away at the bar Saturday night after demolishing Tenn. Chattanooga.  So you might have to give the trophy back in 4 yrs?…..get a replica and toss it up on the mantle of your mansion in College Park, GA when you’re counting stacks of the 40 million guaranteed in your first NFL contract.

Let me know if I missed anything over the weekend

W

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