Weekend Sports Page: Tiger tweets, Andre fights, Lebron bumps, and Steve blames God

Posted on November 29, 2010


Too much has happened since last Wednesday night to possibly be able to cover it all, but I will try to highlight the things that stuck out to me.  Here are my weekend notes and messages on sports.

Boise St. Kicker Kyle Brotzman – I feel for you. Your life is over.  Seriously.  Kickers are soft to begin with, so in case the 26 yd FG you missed as time expired wasn’t enough, the the 29 yarder in OT that you botched sealed the deal.  But of all the tragic field goal misses in the history of college and pro football, not even Ray Finkle’s had more on the line than this one.  Here is why:  Your team had a shot at an undefeated season, a BCS bowl game, and possibly a National Championship game.  So clearly your team and coaching staff hate you.  Your QB Kellen Moore had a legitimate shot at winning the Heisman, especially after making one of the most clutch throws of the year to set up your 26 yd shank at the end of regulation.
So clearly he hates you too.  And most importantly, sports fans across the country wanted nothing more than your team and TCU to go undefeated which would all but force the NCAA to get rid of the BCS bull shit in favor of a playoff.  So now the country hates you.  I’m sure your parents house is littered with egg yolks and TP, maybe even flaming bags of shit next to letters containing death threats.  So its possible that even mom and dad hate you as well.  I would say to keep all sharp objects away from you to avoid a suicide attempt, but then again you’d probably botch that too.

Steve Johnson – Meet the latest retard wide receiver in the NFL.  He wears number 13 for Buffalo.  His body is covered in ink up to his ears.  He is a new breed of T.O., Ochocinco, Moss etc.  He is having a breakout season, but yesterday dropped a ball in the endzone (click here to see the play) which would have won the game for the Bills, and yeah, he blamed it on God.  And what other way to do it than on Twitter.

The drop was clearly not Johnson’s fault.  To say that he was responsible is just preposterous.  But lets hold off on the “blaming God” stuff for now at least.  The Jews during the Holocaust – they can blame god.  POW’s in Vietnam and Korea – they can blame god. When you get stuck between two fatty’s on a plane, both breathing heavily like they had to run to the gate even though you’re in the 2nd hour of the flight, sweating all over you, not letting you set one of your elbows up on the arm rest because their muffin tops are hanging over them – you can blame God.  When some asshole taking your 2 double cheeseburger order at McDonalds puts pickles and mustard on it when you clearly said “ketchup only” you can borderline blame God.  The thing is, you have no control of these situations, so someone else is clearly to blame.  On the other hand, if you wake up in C-Murda’s bed on the 4th day of one of his benders when he hasn’t stopped drinking or showered in 96 hrs, thats your own goddamn fault.  Just like that dropped ball was Stevie.

Tiger Woods – Lets not forget that last Wednesday marked the one yr anniversary of Tiger getting his shit pushed in by his wife/escalade/fire hydrant on the eve of Thanksgiving.  Apparently Elin Woods wasn’t into getting pissed on by her nerd husband so we can’t blame Tiger for looking for a little strange on the side.  He could never have sent a text like this to Elin –

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

or this –

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

But I don’t think much has changed a year later……here is what that loser tweeted on Friday –

Clearly by “cardio session” he means “bang session”.  And clearly by “apple and pumpkin pie” he means “white girl vagina”.  Don’t for one second think that a single Tiger isn’t out conquering the few bimbos that weren’t “worn out” before this story broke a yr ago.

Erik Spoelstra – You remind me of one of the student managers of the basketball team at UMass.  One of the kids who probably played a little high school basketball, who couldn’t be any more mediocre in size or talent, then decided that rather than being a normal fan and just getting shitfaced and attending all the games, they would chase the team into the locker room and subject themselves to hours of doing laundry and completing homework assignments for the hoops team.  That’s what you are doing now for the Miami Heat.  You think Dywayawane Wade is gonna listen to a f*&king thing you say? You think Chris Bosh is gonna listen to you when you tell him to go to the rack instead shooting long deuces from the corner?  And Lebron – I’ve never, in my 20+ yrs of being a sports fan, seen a player emasculate his coach like Lebron does to you in this video.  Could you have any less of a nutsack?  You should be assistant coaching a girl’s AU team, or shaving gyro meat at the Pita Pit, but definitely not coaching an NBA team

Courtland Finnegan – Instead of getting good luck or a high tolerance for alcohol passed down to you from your Irish half, you got red hair.  You are probably the only black ginger I have ever seen, and that probably contributes to the entire NFL hating you, especially Andre Johnson.  I don’t know what the F you were thinking talking shit to that beast.  I wanna fight Andre Johnson like I want hemorrhoids.  The amazing thing too, is that everyone is taking Andre’s side in this matter because they know how much of a bitch you are.  Heres the video:

The Redskins – So close.  One illegal block in the back away from being one game out of 1st place in the NFC East.  Story of the year for our boys: close wins, heartbreaking losses, and maybe a blowout.  Short of running the table, we have no chance at the playoffs anymore, and I was one of the few who had hope going into this weekend.

Check back in a little later for our weekend recap of the entertainment world

– W

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