Two for The Money/Cam Newton

Posted on December 2, 2010


Without fail, if you are a degenerate like me, and since you’re reading this I assume that you are, you’ve gotten one of these phone calls.  These naggy, guido douche bags, who have seen Two For The Money two thousand times and know it by heart, call you on a Monday night an hour before the game and say, “Hey BJC, this is [insert guido douche bag name here] from Jimmy Smitts sports in Vegas, I gotta guaranteed winner for you, and all you have to do is write it down, bet it big, and I’ll call you tomorrow so you can say ‘thank you.”I received this phone call Monday night.  I informed this donk that I already had my plays, Seton Hall in college basketball and the under in the San Fransisco/Arizona game.  I mean seriously, I don’t need any help losing money; I’ve been doing it for years.  He said that he didn’t know about those plays, but that Minnesota in college basketball vs. UVA was the lock of the year.  So, like an idiot, I said I’d play it.  Shocker, my two plays hit, and this asshole’s play didn’t even come close.  I hope all you degenerates learn from your boy, and the next time you get a call from one of these guys you either, a)hang up on him, b)tell him to go F himself or, preferably c)both.  Not a sermon, just a thought.

Now, onto the news of the day.

Like I’ve said before, we have no one to fact check our shit here at Cised, and I love posting my opinion as fact.  Every once in a while, however, we get some inside information, and I’ll pass it along to you now.  And remember, degenerates, I believe this to be fact, but before you go and spout this shit to your co-workers and friends, do some checking of your own.  Cam Newton was declared eligible to play by the NCAA Wednesday.  Now you might be asking yourself, “I didn’t know he was ever ineligible?”  Well, Tuesday, Auburn was able to get Cam Newton declared ineligible by the NCAA.  How they did this without being discovered by the gossip machine known as  ESPN, I’ll never know. Either way, it happened.  This was Auburn trying to seem above board on their way to a National Championship.  There is NO WAY they would do this without prior knowledge that the NCAA would immediately reinstate Newton, which is exactly what happened.  The NCAA said that at this time, they didn’t have sufficient evidence to suspend Newton for what appears to be a “pay for play” situation.  With a win over South Carolina, Auburn will go on to most likely face Oregon for the BCS National Championship, and with Cam Newton at the helm, they’ll have a decent shot.

The investigation that should have Auburn fans worried is the one being conducted by the FBI.  I want to reiterate, we have zippy fact checkers, and I don’t feel like looking this shit up, but it sounds right to me.  A major Auburn booster, who has been rumored to run Auburn football by proxy (and who also runs a major bank) is the main focus of the investigation.  This big donkey took federal bailout money and put it in a pseudo-slush fund that was being accessed through multiple ATM’s around Alabama, home of Auburn University.  Cam Newton’s involvement in this investigation is not yet determined, but I think the fed’s have been looking to get this guy for a while. It seems the Newton situation gave them a reason to investigate him and his bank.

Four of the five contributors of Cised played college sports, three of them division 1.  As the only one who didn’t play sports in college, (although with as much as I’ve bet on college sports I should at least be given  an honorary spot on some team) I still feel as though I can speak for the rest of us and say that college athletes should be paid.  Currently, however, college athletes are not allowed to be paid for their million dollar services to their universities.  Wrong or right, it is the law.  Boosters, trustees and rich alums will always try to find new and clever  ways to funnel money to prospective student athletes and their families.  Giving 18 year old kids F’ing ATM cards to use whenever they want IS NOT one of those clever ways.  ATM’s have cameras, stupid.  I hope you end up in federal prison right next to Bernie “The Golden Jew” Madoff, if only because you’re a F’ing idiot.  If you couldn’t come up with anything better then ATM cards, funded by my tax dollars,  you deserve to be sitting in Michael Vick’s old cell whacking it in a warm towel for the next 20 years, you dumb bastard!

I wanted to use this time to give a shout-out to my boy, and fan of Cised, Adam aka Pe’shon, who is heading to the beautiful rolling mountains of Afghanistan.  Stay safe, keep your head down, and if you get a line on a poppy field some where, don’t forget to hook your boy.  Safe travels Adam-BJC